Monday, July 18, 2005

From the Director

"I'm going to gain 400 lbs"
"I'm going to find someone special and make them less so"
"I'm going to ditch this high-paying job and learn how to cook with government cheese"

How have YOUR New Year's resolutions held up? We know how hard it can be to keep the commitments you make to yourself. Thank golly for that! If being true to yourself were easy, there wouldn't be a lot of money to be made helping those of you who fail to do it!

The truth is, if you want something and don't have the fortitude to make it happen for yourself, it probably won't. But rather than accept personal responsibility and the shame of failure, the classes in this catalog will provide an easy and relatively cheap alternative--after taking a class promising to make 'fast and easy' something you've been unable to do, and finding that goal as impossibly out of your reach as it was before, you'll be able to blame the failure on the class. It will no longer be your failure. You'll be the victim, and who can blame a victim for being unable to meet the goals they set for themselves?

So aim for the sky! We'll be there when you fall short. As Tony Orlando, a former Learning Abscess instructor said, "Put the blame on me!"

Bachem Macuno, Executive Director, The Learning Abscess

Native American Gynecology
With Edgar Tree Stump

Lakota Elder Edgar Tree Stump is a scout, or interpreter, of the female anatomy, or the ‘Sweat Lodge with Hair’ as it is called on the Reservation. This is where ancient Indian tradition teaches his people that life begins. He has spent a lifetime administering to the Lakota women, using instruments made from buffaloes passed down for generations.

‘Squawboxes’ hold many secrets, and Native American gynecologists have more or less proven methods to drive out evil spirits that cause infections, like the Yeast Demons; special admixtures of leaves and bear dung which have been applied to Herpes outbreaks for centuries; and an unorthodox view of crabs, which are regarded as a good omen for the coming crops. After this informative powwow, you’ll understand why Edgar’s tribal name is ‘Dances with Vaginas.’

Course 2483 August 1 8-10pm

An Evening with

Beautiful, talented, intelligent and spiritually evolved, Mariel Hemingway is an amazing, independent woman who has truly succeeded on her own terms. But that doesn't mean she doesn't get lonely, or have needs like any other woman. And let's face it, the acting offers aren't exactly pouring in anymore. Taken together, these circumstances have given rise to a unique opportunity for you to enjoy the intimate company of the Academy Award-nominated granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway, in your own home, or in a nice hotel, or in a not-so-nice motel, or in a reasonably comfortable van.

A serious practitioner of Yoga for 20 years who has studied Ashtanga, Anusara, Iyengar, Kundalini and Kriya, Mariel can not only discuss these various philosophies and methodologies but can perform elaborate contortions to allow serious Cirque de Sole-style fucking that will blow your nuts clean off.

Whether you would like to enjoy this amazing opportunity one-on-one or with a few buddies, Mariel is a non-judgmental woman of the world, and is game for anything life throws at her.

Course 2293 August 2 or whenever's good for you 8pm-Late

Work With Your Angels to Realize Your Dreams, Potential and Highest Life Purpose

Your angels stand by you always, and their goal is to assist you in exacting cold-blooded vengeance on those in your life to whom it is so sorely owed. Right now, your beloved angels in their infinite benevolence want to help you drive your enemies deep into the earth’s crust, and want your retribution stamped in indelible ignominy on the faces of their children and their children's children, forever. May their piteous tears cut riverbeds in their cheeks for all eternity! Your angels are especially fond of how the Romans dealt with the Carthaginians. Romans—those people knew how to work with their angels.

Course 5343 August 3 7-9pm

Energize Your Internal Chakras and Make Me a Sandwich

Your body, according to Yoga philosophy, has seven Chakras or centers of spiritual energy, and the sooner you connect meaningfully with these powerful areas in your body, the sooner it will begin to dawn on you that my sandwich isn’t going to make itself. Your Chakras hold powerful memories, such as those of sandwiches you’ve made for me in the past. Use them--properly attuning yourself to the connection points between your physical body and your energy body is the first step towards getting your ass in the kitchen. Awaken the power and potential others like myself see in you, and you will see it is entirely within your abilities to find me some chips to go with that.

And remember, you can cut it sideways or diagonally—rely on your own intuitive instincts; you are the boss!--just bring it to me, chop-chop.

Course 2717 August 4 7-9pm

Learn French with

Are you preparing for a trip to France, Belgium, Martinique, or certain parts of Canada? Did you know that you can gain a working understanding of French simply by using the language setting available on the DVD release of any Steven Seagal movie? Imagine effortlessly picking up French grammar and pronunciation while enjoying such classic movies as ‘Above the Law,’ ‘Hard to Kill,’ ‘Under Siege,’ or ‘On Deadly Ground.’ By the time you arrive at your destination, you’ll be fluent in such phrases as "Êtes-vous un certain genre de type dur ? (Are you some kind of tough guy?), "Si je fais ceci, nous faisons ma manière" (If we do this, we do it my way), "Il est tranquille. Peu trop un tranquille" (It’s quiet. A little too quiet) and "Ils ont juste sali avec le chef pâteux faux." (They just messed with the wrong pastry chef).

As a special bonus, students of the Steven Seagal French Method will also learn how interact with citizens of the nation they visit, and if necessary, to dislocate their elbows.

Course 3117 August 8 7-9pm

How To Find Your Own North Star
Give Your Life Direction

Do you ever feel lost? Look up in the night sky and locate the big dipper. Directly above the open end of this formation is a large bright star. That's it. You're welcome.

Course 2117 August 8 9:30-9:35pm

How to Start a Career in Hollywood
Selling your organs!

You say you’ve got a great idea for a movie or TV show, or you want to turn your passion for acting into a rewarding career, but that you have no way of getting the ‘right people’ interested in you? Well if you’ve got two healthy kidneys, or only one but also some serious moxie, YOU CAN!

Organs are failing in high-powered entertainment executives all the time—this is where you come in! Letting someone who’s really someone in this town farm your organs is an excellent way of meeting the right person to get your career off of life support! Let a hard-living, internal organ-killing exec put YOUR talent under his intensive care! Your corneas could be your ticket to a round of meetings with the last people you ever need to see! Make your vision come true and be the only blind guy with a production office on the Paramount lot! Do you feel in your bones you have what it takes to make it? That’s your marrow talking! Or be an intestine donor—if you have the guts to succeed in Hollywood! And if you have a fertile creative imagination, and fertile sperm or eggs, some sterile Hollywood couple can help you conceive a movie deal and allow you to give birth to your creative dreams!

Which would you rather be able to say: ‘I’ve still got my boring old liver’ or ‘I’ve got a three-picture deal’? Isn’t it time your organs helped you start living?

Course 2611 August 9 8-10pm

Upgrade Your Brain
Yours is for Shit

Your brain is the most sophisticated, high-speed computer ever invented, which accounts for your inability to operate it competently, given that you don't understand half the buttons on your TV's remote control. The vast majority of people have exactly the brain that they have cultivated, and that suits their lifestyle. So relax, your brain was never the problem; it was the way you let it turn to pudding by not offering it any challenges beyond the occasional word-search puzzle. Anyway, why do you need an upgraded brain anyway? Do you read 'Drabble' and not get the jokes? What, do you want to turn off 'Access Hollywood' and learn Calculus? Are you going to put down Entertainment Weekly and take a stab at Finnegan's Wake? Relax. Smart people are no happier, usually much less so. They are generally neurotic and what's more, hopelessly and massively outnumbered. They should be looking for classes to downgrade their brains, not the other way around.

Still not convinced? Then take our class that will describe how to keep your brain young by wearing diapers, or how to gain a photographic memory by taking a photograph of whatever you want to remember, or how to enter the genius zone simply by hanging out with people much dumber than yourself, or how to channel your right-brain wisdom by having the left hemisphere of your brain removed. Woo-hoo. Feel smarter yet?

Course 2990 August 10 7-9pm

An Evening with

A pioneer and television icon, Ellen DeGeneres made history in April 1997 when her on-screen persona, Ellen Morgan from the series Ellen, daringly became the first openly gay leading character on Television, unless you count Billy Crystal's Jody on Soap 20 years before, or Firing Line with William F. Buckley. She then went on to achieve what no one imagined possible: making a show about lesbianism so boring that a nation of men tuned in elsewhere. She then expressed her hatred for America by inflicting upon it Anne Heche, whom she memorably finger-banged in the White House before a nonplussed President Clinton. Continuing her conquest of what was previously thought impossible, she is currently hosting a daytime talk show that actually makes Wayne Brady look ‘edgy.’

Join Ellen as she discusses her views on things she only partially understands; on her disturbing enthusiasm for the writings and views of American Nazi Party founder George Lincoln Rockwell; and on her vendetta against Showtime's 'The L Word' ("It's a dirty lie. Most lesbians do not look like Victoria's Secret models. They look like Wendy from Snapple with a crew-cut.") Where does Ellen get her comedy ideas? And why? Find out tonight!

Course 9333 August 11 7-9pm

How to Make Hundreds of Dollars in Fast Food

If you’ve ever eaten at a fast food restaurant and thought "This doesn’t look so hard—I could do this!" then maybe it’s time you found out for yourself! It’s not for everyone, but for the fortunate few, the rewards are up to tens of tens of dollars, weekly! Not to mention an employee discount on food!

You’ll learn key tips on: adjusting your paper hat; responding to buzzers; working pictogram cash registers; change and how to make it; and resisting putting your fingers in the deep fryer. Think you’re drive-thru crew material? Learn how to make the customer say yes to supersizing!

Once you take this class, you’ll find making and serving fast food almost as easy as eating and eliminating it!

Course 2116 August 15 8-10pm

For Pit Bull Owners Only!

If you’re shamed by your small penis and can’t afford a Hummer, it’s natural to want a Pit Bull. But as great as it is to have a dog that has methodically had the intelligence bred right out of its eyes, you know that sooner or later some toddler is going to wind up getting affectionately mauled, or some other neighborhood pet is going to get played with into 2 or more pieces, or someone is going to wind up a few fingers short of ten. If that's the price of you feeling like a man, so be it!

A Pit Bull is, after all, a shark with four paws that sees the world as a confusing crowd of chattering potential chew-toys. But that doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for the naturally resulting carnage! Learn go-to phrases at blood-splattered scenes like 'Gosh, nothing like this has ever happened before!'; 'He's really just a gentle puppy!'; and 'I wonder what was done to provoke him?' Learn what your homeowners insurance covers for grievous bodily injury--and consider upping your coverage!

Hey, we both know that these darlings were bred for nothing but tearing flesh. When they kill something, there's no remorse--they expect a reward! And you'd better have one! Anyway, who's going to discipline the hairy little chainsaw? You? Not fucking likely! That's 100 lbs. of malevolent muscle, tough guy; you're lucky it doesn't put a leash on you!

Course 7225 August 16 7-9pm

Sue Everybody!
For Anything!

Have you ever been frustrated, inconvenienced, or irritated? Did you know that any dissatisfaction you have ever suffered through in your life is grounds for a lawsuit? Well it is! Thanks to the fact that Personal Injury Lawyers now outnumber housepets, unlimited opportunities to file lawsuits now exist. They'll be fighting over your case, no matter how frivolous, allowing you to seek damages where most people, in their narrow-mindedness, might feel your case is dubious or outright specious. Let's see what a court thinks!

Like too many people, you may believe you must have a credible case in order to sue. I don't know who gave you this misguided impression--but you should probably sue them! Learn techniques for blaming other people for your circumstances, actions, or limitations--and make them pay! Be astonished that a full jury with alternates have to be taken from their lives and responsibilities to hear your "case." And if you think the generally lamentable intellect of most juries won't work in your favor, you're in for a pleasant surprise! Take advantage of living in a culture that fetishizes victimization--and if the jury doesn't find in your favor, sue them too!

Course 2332 August 17 7-9pm

Lovemaking Techniques of the Great Apes

Ever want to behave like a gorilla in bed, but don’t know how? Jane Goodall has spent 40 passionate years studying chimpanzees in the wild and has come to know them intimately—and we do mean intimately. We’re talking ‘Gorillas in the Ms.!’

In this fascinating evening, Dr. Goodall will broaden your understanding of primates beyond creatures in a zoo and help you to come to understand them as dynamic sexual beings! You too can become a knuckle-dragger in the bedroom, as you view raw footage that will give you a breathtaking look into the amazing world of copulating chimpanzees, Man’s sexiest living relatives.

You’ll be screwing like you’ve got thumbs on your feet in no time!

Course 3200 August 18 8-10pm

An Evening with

Articulate, passionate, unpredictable and more than a little offbeat, Ed Begley Jr. is a true Hollywood original. Inspired to become an actor by the Academy Award-winning father, Ed's breakthrough role as Dr. Victor Ehrlich on the long-running series St. Elsewhere was recognized with 6 Emmy nominations.

Tonight, Ed will share some of his tips for coping with the ups and downs of an acting career--and of life. He'll reveal his strategies for dealing with agents, writer's, producers and networks, and share insights on his eco-friendly lifestyle. He will also deal with the topic attendees are likely most intrigued and fascinated by: his penis. Rumored not only to be the biggest in Hollywood, but possibly throughout the state of California, Ed's penis has been the subject of conjecture and legend for more than two decades. Even famed tripod Milton Berle once quipped 'Sweet Jesus, will that thing take peanuts out of my hand?' "Mr. Ed" will discuss the problems of storage presented by most trousers and his elaborate and laborious methods of cleaning the goddamn thing.

Seating is limited. Be sure to stand back. Dude was the model (uncredited) for the CGI artists who made ‘Anaconda.’

Course 0014 August 21 7-9pm

Create the Life You Dream About
By Having Vastly Scaled-Back Dreams

You may not know it, but there’s only one thing keeping you from living the life of your dreams. The magical key to making your dreams come true almost instantly is to dream much more modestly. Anyone can attain everything he or she hopes for, simply by wanting much, much less! Think about it: if you made it your goal to lead a dissatisfied life largely unencumbered by luxury items, working a stultifying job for a boss you detest, while leading a personal life bereft of meaningful relationships, your dreams would already be fully realized. How great would that feel?

Don't be caught in the web so many others are, tyrannized by their own aspirations. Take a hard look around--welcome to your dream!

Course 7274 August 22 7-9pm

Erotic Massage for Pets

Anyone who has ever had a pet knows how much they love to be petted affectionately. This class will share techniques for raising the level of intimacy between you and your pet to an entirely new level, one that will be immensely richer and more gratifying for you both.

The class will cover how to best prepare your pet for the sensual experience you are to share and how to create a mood-setting environment in which to ease your pet through the natural, initial confused reaction and into a state of unprecedented ecstasy.

Also covered is: how to tell the difference between 'good' growling and those warning you that you're about to get bit, what oils to avoid due to your pet's heightened sense of smell, and how to locate the various erogenous zones on your pet that will unlock untrammeled pleasure for you both. After just one session, a mere scratch behind the ear will never be enough for either of you ever again.

Course 4360 August 23 7-9pm

The Art of Exotic Dancing for the Morbidly Obese
The ‘Bad Idea’ Light on your Mental Dashboard Should Be Glowing Bright Red

This introductory class is about you finding you, and doing it by forcing others to view every ghastly yard of your swollen, Hostess Product-ravaged body. In it, you'll learn how to move with a hideously misguided confidence and demonstrate a stunning disconnectedness from reality and the horrifying spectacle your corporeal immensity presents.

You'll have them yelling "Put it on! PUT IT ON!!" in no time! You're not just too much female for them; you're too much female for most cattle ranchers. Much of you will continue to shake, sway and quiver gelatinously for several minutes after you stop dancing—and if people think it's repulsive when you begin, wait until you start sweating!

Course 8481 August 24 7-9pm

Learn How to Count Cards

Open a deck of cards. Remove the jokers. Now, count the cards one by one. If you got 52, congratulations! If not, try again and again until you do.

Course 3838 August 24 7-7:05pm

Conversations with the Invisible World of the Streets
Discover the Ancient Art of Pimping
With Renowned Ho Master Snooky Watkins

Many cultures throughout the world have sophisticated systems for putting girls out on the street to sell their sunshine to a dark and shadowy clientel. South Philly is no different. In this unforgettable evening, South Philly's 'High Priest of Pimping,' Snooky Watkins will introduce you to the ancient method of intimidation, of "compassion with the threat of violence" that has bought him more velour than most men ever see.

As Snooky interprets and explains the "Mystic Laws of the Streets," you'll learn: the subtle art of giving your Hos 'trick' names; how to foster and exploit hard-core drug addiction among your 'stable;' how to locate and tap into your city's convention market; how to tell if one of your Hos "be holdin' out" or if "bitch be lyin';" what situations call for a wire hanger and what situations call for merely the back of your hand; and so much more!

Course 7225 August 25 7-9pm

You may already be almost ready to start!

Has tackling those big projects and meeting your goals in a timely fashion left you with nothing to do or look forward to? Join other miserable high-achievers at this seminar led by Arnold Pashkow, the 'Guru of I've-been-meaning-to-do-that.' Mr. Pashkow will help you not only get motivated to procrastinate, but to create delays in avoiding getting your procrastination underway! Where there's a will, there's a won't!

You'll learn techniques to effect procrastination and put your life on auto-pilot. Learn how to: construct a list of clear and specific goals and misplace it; reinforce limiting beliefs; foster and embrace feelings that will keep you from achieving what you want; employ time mismanagement techniques that really do work; transform your goals into fantasies and concrete plans into abstract possibilities. Make registering for theis class the last thing you do forever! After all, the day after tomorrow is two days closer to the rest of your life!

Course 2303 August 26-9pm

An Evening Throwing Things at

Author of 16 #1 New York Times Best-selling novels, Sidney Sheldon is known for books such as "The Other Side of Midnight" and his latest, "The Sky is Falling." He's also a successful screenwriter and playwright. Tonight will offer you the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to throw objects at him, tied prone and helpless on stage. Anything from eggs, vegetables and water balloons to acid, Chinese throwing stars and bricks; everything's fair game as we target Sidney with all the audience has to offer until he is dead--and why stop there? When we're done, you'll be able to pick up what's left of Mr. Sheldon with a mop.

Whether you hate Sidney Sheldon, books your mom reads, or both, this will be an unforgetable experience for all. Sign up today!

Course 4529 August 27 7-9pm

Sexual Secrets Your Partner Wishes to Christ You Knew
Taught by your partner herself!

I can’t believe I have to go through all of this just to get you do things right. Do you know what I had to go through to get this class inserted in the catalog schedule? Never mind. If this is what it takes, I’ll do it.

First you need to know the number one sure sign that I’m faking an orgasm: you can always tell I’m faking an orgasm when you think I’m having an orgasm. Are you surprised? Well then at least one of us can surprise the other in bed! Seriously, if I want rerun after rerun in bed, I’ll turn on Seinfeld, jackass. And by the way, your ‘go-to’ move of wedging your thumb up my ass is really misguided. Do you think I’m a goddamn bowling ball? Why not ram your whole thumb into your ear instead?

It’s a clitoris, not a fucking Rubik’s Cube. Figure it out! Here’s a hint—stop fucking jabbing at me with your finger like you’re trying to get the light to change at a crosswalk! And the way you get frustrated when I don’t start faking my orgasm soon enough for you is really fucking charming; great touch there. Keep it up; you’re going to wake up with a pair of scissors in your neck, I swear to Christ.

Course 3606 August 28 8-10pm

Writers Internment Camp
Roundup Time for Screenwriters!

What rats are to New York, screenwriters are to Los Angeles; that is, you can't order a meal anywhere in town without the sickening suspicion that one of them has been around your food. Not to mention catching them in the headlights of your Lexus, scurrying around dumpsters!

It's time to show this filthy menace who's boss! Are you sick of hearing how 'integral' a script is to the filmmaking process? Ever wonder if successful movies can be made from executives notes alone? Now's the time to find out! This session will outline plans to capture as many screenwriters as possible and herd them into hastily constructed desert camps, where they'll be castrated and quarantined. You'll be able to wave to them as you drive to weekends in Palm Springs! We'll burn down the WGA headquarters and taser them as they flee!

Class space is limited; enroll today!

Course 4444 August 29 7-9pm

Spiritual Solutions to Life’s Laundry Problems

You may have seen acclaimed Psychotherapist Dr. Wayne Dyer on one of his thousands of television appearances and been struck not only by his insights but also by his remarkably clean clothes. After his classic Your Erroneous Zones, he became more interested in the mind/clean clothes connection, with two lesser-known books: When I Treat My Synthetics Like Permanent Press, I Feel Guilty and My Knits and Delicates, My Self.

In this inspirational evening, Dr. Dyer will give you spiritual solutions to common laundry problems. You'll learn to go deep within yourself to solve grass, blood, or motor oil stains; break bonds with the past and release negativity using fabric softener; and use your life-force to get your whites whiter and your colors brighter.

Dr. Dyer will also explain why your belief system is the basis for all the dry cleaning you will ever do; how to get in touch with and manage your power to manifest bleaching action; and use your subconsious mind to end static cling forever! Don't miss this chance to use Dr. Dyer's wisdom to put your obstacles in the rinse cycle!

Course 1910 August 30 7-9pm

Get Hard Up for Life!
Spiritual Growth Through Near-Sex Experiences
With Dan ‘Blueballs’ Alton

Dan Alton’s best-seller Out at Third detailed his remarkable near-sex experiences and life-altering sexual frustration. He has aroused the pity of millions worldwide with his stifled hopes and total inability to get laid.

In this fascinating seminar, based on his best-seller and his new book, Even Prostitutes Turn Me Down, he'll offer bitter insights on the rejection he's suffered firsthand. You'll learn how to:

-Awaken your sense of desperation
-Discover your sexual repellence
-Along with hope, banish fear of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease
-Prepare gourmet dinners for one
-Wait to cry until after you jerk off

As an added bonus, Dan will ponder the questions 'Can teaching an adult education course get me laid?' and 'Do you have a sister?' at length.

Course 3117 August 30 7-9pm

How to Stalk a Celebrity

Not everyone has the right talent, resourcefulness, or last name to qualify as a celebrity, but almost anybody can become the next best thing—a celebrity stalker! Using the principles outlined in this class, you'll learn to turn your fandom into fixation, and then into obsession. Lots of fans can get autographs from their favorite celebrity--that's small time! How many of them can get restraining orders, or come to recognize that they are unacknowledged spouses?

Being a stalker is more than just being a paparazzo without a camera. It means entering into a relationship with a celebrity unlike any other in their lives. Your bond is special, more special than anyone knows, except the celebrity in question, who playfully pretends not to! Stalking means going through their garbage to make sure they're eating right; it's learning everything about their home alarm system so you know they're safe; it's about constructing elaborate fantasy lives you share together, and coming to understand their apparent obliviousness to the depth of your relationship with them is an elaborate prank they're playing on you. Well a joke's a joke, but enough's enough! You'll make them admit the truth, no matter what!

Course 1690 August 31 7-9pm